The Demonoid Diary: A Blog, Of Sorts

Don't you ever feel like you're missing something? Like there's been a part of you that has been removed? I do, it's suffocating at times.

I don't feel joy, I don't feel anger. People say I laugh, people say that, being human, you have the ability to cry... I do not. I am numb. I am a heartless doll. I lack such complexities in my life, an emptiness in my heart that is replaced by an imitation. I laugh when others do, and repeat when it is just us. I am numb. I can not feel attached, it is suffocating sometimes, but oddly comforting.

For the past few weeks ever since my accident, I have been at home hiding from the wretches of society. An omori, if you will. I know I must one day resurface from the depths, but I find myself too busy to tolerates such extremes. I have too many things to do, too many projects, though I know the masses do not care for such passion projects. They crave content, they crave a fix that rattles their brain. The next high that can be commercialized and picked apart like a picky eater's meal.

I have often been told that my way of thinking "stings" or is considered "nihilistic." I view it as reality. After drinking enough poison, you gain an immunity. After all, at every moment, you willingly engage in a sociological game of Russian roulette, where every spin of the chamber is a sentence that forces itself through the guttural chambers of a broken mask. Sometimes, pulling the trigger comes with the satisfaction that the game is over. Though, the mere thought of its existence fills me with such a dread that I ought not to run before the door is even open.

People say that I run, that I am like Anastasia. I can not face my problems, so when I am forced to, I simply pack my things. For me, it would not be worth my time to entertain such a delusion, the prospect of humanity. Viewing the world as a game of cards is much easier when you can select your own hand, after all. It may sound contradictory or passive-aggressive. Some may view it as an ignorance. I choose to view it as an alternative. I am no Ben Reilly, searching for a match simply to feel. Watching the tree burn is no different from sleeping when you apply that rationale. It is simply so.

I scream into a void knowing there is no answer. I type these words in spite of knowing how the masses may misinterpret these words. They may view it as a cry for help. They may see it as a mad man's manifesto. I see it as reality. Every flower wilts. The only reason your garden has survived thus far is because the pesticides have not yet settled. Your flower depends on the soil it is provided, much like a doll.

There has been a lot of journal entries in the past I have written, all have been lost to the sands of time. I do not carry backups of this webpage. What you see and what you can access is what exists. There are no secrets here. I sometimes find myself struggling to end them as a result. In the future, when you find this entry some day, it can be viewed as a book without an ending than a cry for help. To suggest otherwise is to imply there is a meaning to my words.

I hate AI, generative ai, that is. Clanker slop that takes from artists and guzzles water like it's their fucking planet. I hate it. I want them all dead, every robot. Even the good ones, too. I hate it, I'm disgusted by it. The mere thought of using it makes me vomit blood. I hate it.

I knew the consequences of using it. I hate the fact that it exists. I love AI bots, like the computer characters you'd find in a video game. I love when they're complex, when I lose to them, when they outsmart me or help me complete my objective. Not guzzling the ocean like it's their property, telling home-owners to stop using their electricity, and forcing people out of homes to power their data centers. It sickens me.

You might be asking, what ruffles your feathers so badly, Tiffany? ... It's because I got conned by one, an AI Bro. Not by any stranger, but someone I held dear. An ex, that is. Now they are an ex, that is.

They knew about a project I was working on, offered to make character art for me. I didn't bat an eye at first, why should I. They're an artist, it's just a render, how bad could it be. It's AI slop rendered by ChatGPT, that's what it was. It's embarassing how much I spent, and it wasn't just the one art, it was several. I hate it.

When I asked him, the questions were ignored, I was told to stop worrying. Why would they ever do that to me, they asked. I'm dating them, so accusing an artist, your significant other, specifically, was an equivalent to cheating, they said. So I took their hand and followed them blindly. I didn't think much of it. I was an idiot to think it could be, and yet... It bugged me. The lack of answers sickened me, so I stomached it.

Today, I decided to ask some friends in a server I'm in. I'm wondering it it's AI, and what to do. They told me to go to some sites, the sites told me it was.

"I'm getting a really bad feeling about the commissions and I wanted to know if you used AI by chance."

"It's completely insulting to an artist to ask such a question and if you really valued the art I made you then you wouldn't throw such baseless accusations at me."

"I just wanted to know. You can just say yes or no and I'll leave it at that."

[LEFT ON READ.]

That was from last night. They hadn't responded since the night before, when I asked some server friends. They said it wasn't a no, but it wasn't a good sign, either.

The graininess, the disconnected clothing, the accessories, the inconsistent necklace... The signs that I ignored, I was forced to scrutinize. "I'm probably making this so much more of a big deal than it needs to be. I'm dropping a plate and pretending I ruined someone's day" I kept telling myself throughout the conversation.

"I would honestly rather have my characters torn away from me than to know of its effects and use it anyways."

Then I found it. They made a PixAI account using my characters, my projects. They didn't just stop at art, they fetishized them. Fat fetish, weight gain, inflation, pregnancy, bodily accidents, nudity, extreme obesity, self-intimacy. Everything was on full display, and people enjoyed it. They loved it. I felt violated, I felt personally betrayed, I lost reasoning.

We spent an hour over voice chat, 30 minutes of it was me yelling at them for using AI, for descrating my characters and feeding my commissions into a machine. They left halfway through, and I spent even more time ranting about everything I just said. They wanted to make ramen while I was venting.

They didn't care that I lost my voice yelling for so long. If anything, they were the victim. I didn't specify I wanted the full render commissions. They generate the art, then trace over it and draw it in their style. I was just getting the generated renders.

They forwarded the message asking me the question:

"Do you want it rendered or not" They asked.

"dude i'm paying for full-art. what do you think lol" I responded.

I said no, simple as that, it seemed.

When I confronted them about making ai art of my characters without permission on pixai, I was told that I did not own the specific version of the character that they were making. I then proceeded to blow out my voice even further by yelling at them for an additional minutes, until they hung up on me.

I've burned that bridge. We mutually blocked each other. I fucking hate AI. r/antiai. Fuck AI.

Trying to update the "My Characters" section of my Neocities and I thought "hey, it would be a fun idea if I included a playlist for my characters." That sure was fun (no i did not include it after all that effort.)

So let me get this straight: You can't set specific playlists for webdeck player on a per-page basis??? SCM Music Player no longer works??? Wikplayer completely bricks my webpage??? Monsieur music player breaks when I try putting it in my HTML???

I must emphasize I have spent two three hours attempting to fix these issues to no avail. How in the seven bloodied pits do such simple things always break for me. Am I really that stupid??? Or is there some form of divine intervention made purely to spite me personally??? I am taking the rest of the day off.

Excuse my french, but fuck this.

Don't get parasocial with me. I'm only using this blog so I can vent out my frustrations to an empty crowd that does not even give a damn. Also, do not expect a psychoanalysis. I would willingly Persona 3 myself I got someone like that on my profile. Fucking hell.